Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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