you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
