I just pynch a tree in the face
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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