bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
