Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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