fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
