I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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