i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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