What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
