so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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