so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
