It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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