I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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