Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize