i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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