Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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