What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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