1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
