love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
