i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
