Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
