No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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