That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
