How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
