Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
