Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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