We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
