nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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