The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Your cock deserves a montage
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
