Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
