like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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