My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize