he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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