My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
