I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
