im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize