Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
