Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm just crazy horny about you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
