I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
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