i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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