He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize