my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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