Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
