Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
