Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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