people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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