Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
where does the pee come out of this thing
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
