He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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