Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
