It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
