My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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