Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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