it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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