I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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