And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
