just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
