Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize