What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
