whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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