By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
