I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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